the promise I made to myself

the breakup, august 2013

In my mind, this is where my journey to rediscovering myself began - all of the self love, introspection, defining my own reality, setting boundaries…it started here.

I was in a serious, long distance relationship (which I could honestly write a whole separate blog about) and it really is where I think about my journey starting. I will share bits and pieces of it and infuse the lessons I’ve learned into future blog posts - but the focus of this one is about a pivotal, scary part of the relationship, the break up.

At the time, I thought I was going to marry this person - despite the issues in the relationship, the mental games, emotional manipulation, codependency…I was convinced he was the one. It was my first serious relationship and I was navigating my early twenties. What I thought I wanted at that time with regard to a relationship/partner is much different than it is now. And honestly, part of the reason that I know what I want out of a relationship now is due to what I experienced back then and the lessons I learned with this person.

As I was trying to find myself, I was simultaneously losing myself. So much of who I was and how I viewed myself was defined by him.

So much of me constantly changes - my perspective, my thoughts, how I interpret the lessons I’ve learned. But the one thing that remains constant is my essence - the bright light that is K. LeMay.

Well, I didn’t realize it at the time, but, my light was slowly dimming in that relationship. I ended friendships, stopped going out on the weekends, and started to seclude myself to protect my relationship with him.

When I think about that time in my life, I wish that I could give my younger self a great big hug - tell her she’d find her way, that she was strong and her voice was important.

Luckily, I had friends and family in my support system who had honest conversations with me - my sisters, my parents, my best friend Maddie. Even though I didn’t want to hear these messages of concern from my loved ones, they confirmed the messages from my intuition that I’d been ignoring - that this relationship wasn’t healthy.

I decided that I needed to voice my thoughts and opinions during my trip to visit him in August 2013 and I did just that. When we had the conversation about our relationship, where it might be headed, and other topics, I knew as we were talking it needed to end. I wasn’t receiving the compromise, the understanding, or love that I knew I deserved. So, I had my first lesson in boundary setting - and I broke up with him.

I texted my Dad that I needed to come home and next thing I knew, I was on an earlier flight to the east coast. My heart shattered saying goodbye to him because I still loved him, it just wasn’t going to work. I went home feeling broken, little did I know I was going to rebuild in the most amazingly beautiful way.

As I began to rebuild, I made a promise to myself - that I was going to be the best possible version of myself before getting into another relationship AND that I would never let someone else’s opinion of me matter more than my own opinion of myself.

With this promise I made to myself, my story began.

with love, always

kirstin