finding my happiness

I recently re-read a journal of mine from college when I was cleaning out my room at home. The entries post-breakup were short and read something like “sad, home.” “home…sad.” “sad at home.” for days on end. Even though that was 2013, I can still so vividly feel the remnants of that sadness. I know exactly what I was doing when I wrote those words - laying on the floor, feeling broken, and like I’d never put myself back together again.

I wish I could go back and give myself a hug. What I had looked to someone else to do for me during our relationship, I now had to do for myself - find my happiness. It was almost as if I had forgotten who I was outside of that relationship, outside of my ties to my ex. “Finding” myself and my happiness seemed like a daunting task, one that couldn’t be done without that relationship. And yet, here I am…I’ve found my happiness. My happiness, begins with me. Of course, “my happiness” is multifaceted - I’ve had to ask myself a lot of questions and do a bit of exploration to understand what material things (i.e. hobbies, people, concepts, etc.) make me happy. But at the most basic level, I am my happiness.

Now, this didn’t happen overnight. And to be honest, it’s hard work! You have to learn to choose yourself, every single day, to show up for yourself, to be the source of your own happiness. AND…that work never ends, but it is rewarding. Your happiness evolves as you evolve, as the seasons of your life change, and as you redefine your reality. It might sound cliché, but when I think about my journey from my break-up to where I am now…the secret sauce has been in asking myself simple questions - i.e. “what makes me happy?” The answers may seem “obvious,” but if you really give yourself the time and space to think deeply, you might be surprised with the answers. Questions like - “Who am I?” “What do I believe in?” “What do I want my life to look like?” They’re all opportunities for introspection and to challenge yourself.

I kept having writer’s block when I’d come into my blog after my post about the breakup. I couldn’t pinpoint what came next on my journey - specific “events” weren’t sticking out in my head. But then it clicked, I had to decide who the next version of Kirstin was going to be. And to do that, I needed to find my happiness.

That’s all for now, more to come.

with love, always

kirstin